While the human body is a remarkable accomplishment I think it could use some improvements that time and use have made evident. Immediately let me first agree with the Christians that the human body is proof positive that there is a god, a woman’s body in particular is stellar in every expression; one must never question that there is no greater drug capable of surpassing that addiction, addiction that is instigated and managed well by female wearers of this luxury good. Women love it, men love it, I have seen dogs and elephants love it. The worship of the feminine body lures us to bondage her, so that body might not escape us, lures us to torture her, as punishment for our dependence on it, spank her as proof of our lording liberty over her, and punishment for her coquetry; we piss on her as proof obsession that she births our disgust; and finally we rape her, while prodding her with a knife, to manifest our complete delusional disregard for her existence. Yes a woman’s body as an addictive aphrodisiac, a carving nest of passions, aesthetically there is no improvement to be made upon that labyrinth of perdition, where never aware us men remain forever lost.
I wish that we could say the same about the male body, but outside of looking like a jackhammer that serves no other purpose than to ram and ram hard, the male body has an industrial design, more defined by purpose than by aesthetic concerns. The male body is designed for hard labor, for endurance, for harsh environments, for harsh environments that require emotional and physical insensitivity, the male body rips with no allusions of internal pleasure, a rock with a cucumber sticking from it would serve the same purpose but be more sensitive. Still we ought not be harsh upon the utilitarian aspect of the male body, sensitivity is not necessarily a good thing if one is to tolerate a wife; and aesthetic curves, instead of the standard-issue blockiness are not conducive to sharpening the definition of aggression. Males are designed to seem menacing, there is no need for their silhouette to look like the impressionist oil on canvas feminine.
The result of such diametrically opposed physicality has to do with the manufacturing house: A woman was created by god, a man by evolution.
Aesthetic differences aside the general physiological operation of both bodies are very similar with the exception of the sexual organs and the reproductive functions. A man has of course a penis which is extroverted, and woman a vagina that is introverted. The penis is a very visible object whose condition of desire is constantly exposed, men are knowable they suffer no privacy, a vagina is intimate, it is hidden, not subject to prying eyes, a woman remains a sensual mystery. Woman is creator of desire, men performs to satisfy her insatiable desire. The man believes himself in control because he has to prove himself worthy, interesting indeed. In keeping with appearances the design of the sexual organs optimize the psychology, woman must allow penetration males must acquire access; a woman is a lure, the vagina is a trap, a child is a trap for life; a male is bated and hooked, but his dysfunctional psychology and the environment convince him that he is in control. A woman is, fragile and subject to abuse, subject to drowning a man with her tears.
A side note: Early in the womb we are all technically females, something goes genetically wrong and you get a male.
The proposed changes to the anatomical structure, based on the above observations, are strictly designed to make minor improvements so as not to altercate the nurtured balance that has been acquired over the ages.
First it is disgusting to think that the sexual organs and the waste disposal organs need to be one in the same. An economist can immediately appreciate the cost and dual use manufacturing benefits of having the penis serve for the dissipation of urine as well as for sperm release. But anyone who has had to lick a turtle-head penis oozing urine stink, might prefer a separation of the two functions. The same is true for the vagina, serving as urine showerhead center, and tragically with no flow-directional control, while also handling access to the egg and hosting the monthly bloodletting, an admirable triple use functionality, which might be a manufacturing marvel but also causes much disrepair, that is, when one thing breaks they all break.
It is therefore here suggested that the functions be made autonomous where ever possible. All men should come with two penises and no foreskin/turtle-head. One penis apparatus having generous width and length, correcting the current insufficiency of nine inches when penis is fully erect, an evolutionary oddity that defies historical and present demands. Anyway that thing would be attached to the testicles to serve as abysmal dweller and sperm donor; while a secondary penis, smaller and underneath the larger penis, would serve as urine discharge head. Both penises would no longer have incorporated foreskin. The immediate advantage being hygiene and of course Jewish children would no longer have to endure the painful removal of their foreskin. An yet another added benefit being that the secondary smaller penis could be simultaneously inserted into the vagina, adding girth, though such use would be discouraged; or this secondary penis could be inserted into the anus during normal intercourse, again to be discouraged with proper moral training, particularly because of the financial damage that it could cause to the dildo industry. If the conservative lobby refuses to agree to the secondary penis, a compromise maybe possible by engineering a butterfly-hammerhead to the tip of the penis, chemically triggered to induce the tip to gorge if exposed to feces, anyone practicing sodomy would be locked in an uncomfortable position until the swelling head subsided, expected to last no less than four hours.
I propose that the vagina and clitoris plus the urinal tract be separated completely. The Clitoris to be relocated within the belly button, so that a lover could, with certain accommodation, suck and lick the clitoris while penetrating his mate. The vagina will be left in its current position, only that a very slim hose like tube, would run the arch of the female ass ending short of the anus, and from that point the urine would be vomited. Running this sort of hose solution from the vagina would require the least amount of reengineering, so while it is not a perfect solution what it lacks in perfection it makes up in workability. The immediate advantages to be gained from these changes are readily obvious, woman could masturbate with their arms crossed, and if wearing a bikini a man could glimpse at a hot clitoris. The rerouting of the urinary tract would eliminate urinary tract infection as a reasons not to have sex. Particularly important because usually this are actually caused by extramarital undertakings. There would also be an immediate cost benefit to companies that make mechanical masturbators because they would be able to use infrared signals instead of wiring to control the device. And for those that suffer form eschatological adoration, plastic piping could be sold that would reroute the urine back into the vagina or wherever new fetishes call.
The anus is really, I think, the most evidence that we have that there is no god. It is just a bad thing, from large intestine all the way down. Aside from the pornographic market supported by eschatological lovers, there is not much good to be said for our master waste disposal system. The asshole is a shit hole, kissing it can be erotic, and fucking it avoids the concerns of pregnancy, teenagers should be encouraged to practice sodomy, there is no safer form of sex. That aside an asshole is an asshole, hard to clean, impossible to see what is going on down there, specially during diarrhea, splatter city; hair grows around the orifice and shit sticks to it, and you wipe the shit into the hairs, and those hairs behave like a radiator, keeps your ass cool as air rushes in and delivers the offensive stink to your friends. If god does exist, and he did indeed design our waste disposal system, he is either incompetent or imperfect. Assholes, even Christian assholes, are as far from a perfection as you can get.
We will not bother suggesting that it ought be all together scrapped and redesigned from scratch. That would require too much sniffing time and effort; but it should be easy enough to change the disposition of delivery, so that for instance diarrhea will not be a sustainable probability. The suggested solution is to create a vacuum chamber, within the last stage of the large intestine, this vacuum chamber will be heated by the body, and vacuum suck and compact feces, in its final stage into pellets, these pellets are never to be more than an inch long and a quarter of an inch in diameter; they will be solid upon ejection from the body, and because they will be mostly dry relatively smell free; they may be handle by hand, the subject would just be able to reach out and grab them as they are coming out, as many as are required to dispose of waste, and they may be discarded at will. The immediate benefit is that flush toilets will become completely unnecessary, a simple plastic bag will contain them and you can drop them off at the nearest garbage can; or if you fancy, coat them with chocolate syrup and chew them. Hey don’t complain people eat hotdogs.
Farts are a bigger problem, because all rotting waste can generate gas, it is recommended that we induce a re-circulation of the internal gas so that it can be exhumed as a burp. There is no way around gas, the body needs to balance its internal air pressures so you cant eliminate it, but a burp is certainly more tolerable than a fart, especially with a certain gum available for purchase that would render the scent inaudible. This operation ought be the simplest to execute and everyone will be mandated to have it done. To catch those that avoid the operation we can create a chemical spray that when released into the surrounding air will react as catalyst to taint and color flatulent gasses thus revealing their person of origin. The spray cans will be housed in elevators, in break glass cases. This will avoid the current problem of limbo blaming fart distribution.
Now all of our investigations the three that really challenged us the greatest are fat, the bloodletting, and the carrying of that parasite we fondly call a baby. We have however some proposals which I think you might find at least some what attractive.
First what we saw as the real problem, like it or not, and we hate to say it, pregnant woman are ugly, really ugly. They look like guppies, nothing fits them right, it distorts everything about them, and it is a back pain and a discomfort to carry the added weight of the parasite that is frivolously feeding off of them. Most women have to actually buy an entirely new wardrobe, this is a problem and a burden, and pregnant couples suffer social oppression when silently encouraged to abandon their existing friendships for more accommodating, parasite adoring, babysitting, feeding baby types.
The menstrual cycle grand finally is just a pain, once a month cramps, emotional dissidence, and the burden of having to stick blood absorbent materials into the vagina; more relevant men do not like to orally satisfy their woman during bloodletting, its just horrible.
Fat of course speaks ugliness of itself, the only people that will truly say that fat is beautiful are fat people, bottom line here, fat alters the shape of the human body, it distorts the visual field, and it is really unnecessary in today’s civilization where there is always food nearby; you don’t need to live from your fat for days before finding food. Fat is caused by our fear of famine, one never knows when weather and/or disease will destroy our farms and livestock, so by current measure fat people stand a better chance of survival; but even so we propose that something needs to be done with fat, not because of survival, but because of aesthetics.
The parasite situation can be fixed easily enough by taking the placenta and turning it into an external pouch that can be carried more like a sack of potatoes. That is fortunately still uncomfortable to the mother, discomfort during pregnancy being natures preparation for a mother to assimilate the bigger burdens yet to come. Anyway a mother would be able to carry the parasite over her shoulder or hanging from her side, it would for the most part posses the look and feel of plastic jelly with something more solid at the center, the sack somewhat elastic but not much, it would be see through but not really, so you would be able to see a very fuzzy shadow of a growing cretin inside, show it off to friends, let them smell it and bond with it. Other than just directly feeding off of the woman, via her umbilical chord, the parasite within the sack would have no other attachment to her body; when the damn thing grows big enough so that it can not be carried around anymore, the sack can be placed on a table, and the thing allowed to come out, or knife prodded somewhat, “hey get out I can’t carry you anymore!”
The immediate benefits of hosting a parasite in an external sack is that, immediately you know if you are pregnant, your placenta will come out of you and tell you that you are pregnant, a woman’s physical appearance will not need to be altered, no back pains, no stretch marks, and best of all no more caesarians. No more doctors required for abortions. All a girl will have to do if she does not want the damn thing feeding off of her, is to cut the umbilical chord, nothing much more than an ouch procedure, and then throw the sack over the harbor for the seals to eat. She will not even have to check into a clinic, clean as that. Maybe a little whiskey afterwards just to make sure there is no infection.
While I am suggesting a portable external placenta solution, I need to note that I opted for this approach because it is so much easier and with all the advances in polymers very doable; but in the best of all possible worlds, it ought really be possible for woman not to get pregnant at all, rather it ought be possible for a man and woman, to place their sperm and egg at an incubation bank, and then just pick it up after work nine months later. The parents could even, if they wanted to, allow someone else to pick it up and take care of it, a sort of give away your progeny pickup date thing. Church Bingo might be easily replaced by pickup-progeny-date ruffles.
The biological ritualized bloodletting, the most disgusting aspect of being a woman, and perhaps a fair price for the honor of being one, will be recycled also inside of the vagina into plastic period-pellets. Plastic on the outside and liquidy waste blood on the inside. Women will still be required to have the depressing disappointment of having to jettison the creative materials that may have assisted in the, oh so grand, production of a life form. To be fair to the aspiring companies they will still get cramps, besides they deserve them. But instead of having to get their hands dirty they will just pop out a few blood pellets two days out of every month, but never during a full moon or valentines day. The period-pellets can be recycled, encased in carbon-fiber shells, leaving a bloody red tip exposed, and then sold to gun clubs , this way gun hobbyists can play war games and splatter each other with real blood, adding macho realism to the right to bare arms. Or period-pellets could be sold to practitioners of satanic rituals as fresh sacrificial blood. Obviously blood had from a young virgin would cost twice as much as the regular used up stuff.
Fat is the bigger problem. It is a health risk, it is with modern food supplies an overly redundant caloric battery and unfortunately like pregnancies, caesarians, urinary tract infections and colon cancer there is a huge industry that benefits many, in this instance those creating the perfect dieting plan for an eternal fat war that is economically insensitive and mostly as impossible to win as it is inspiring to beat it. It seems like such a simple enemy, fat cells, just a gluttonous mass, nothing appealing about them, just immobile things, that wantonly surrender to sloth and gravity; and this very lazy and unwanted things are daily conquering more and more bodies, ever advancing and creating dieting jobs everywhere. Fat, is gore rich.
There is no solution but total surrender to fat, it is creepy to say it but fat is a winner, an over correction success story, a victory for runaway evolution, it is absurd to try and slim down in a world where food is valued for its caloric content. Chocolate and steaks and cakes, and you realize that you are not just fighting fat but you are fighting the world and everything in it. I have therefore no engineering solution for fat, this is god’s greatest biggest manufacturing error, bad design, bad implementation, reengineering it is out of the question. That is correct I don’t propose correction, just a recommendation to any higher creative force that is willing to listen, a slim trim body that is aesthetically sound is a desirable objective when creating any life form, fat reserves ought be abolished even if it implies that a species might not survive if it does not learn the art of food gathering against adversity quickly and efficiently enough. A body that immediately turns the fat reserves into a waste product if that fat is not required for basic physiological maintenance to exceed no more than eight hours, is acceptable and desirable. Anyone that can not meet the severe food gathering standards brought to life by such a stringently lean tolerance does not deserve to live within a capitalist economy.
It is with grieving certainty that I say, somewhere in the universe is a life form that never gets fat.